Circles

My daughter was released from the hospital three days ago. I post updates on a private Facebook page so that I don’t have to respond to so many texts asking how she’s doing. I knew that when I shared that we were home, everyone would respond with excitement. I was happy to finally be able to post something positive but, if I can be completely honest, I’ll admit that I don’t share in that excitement. I want to be home and I advocated for that to be the case as soon as it was safe to do so. At the same time, I know in my heart that we’ll be back, so it’s hard to get too excited.

At first, I felt inauthentic, like I was painting an inaccurate picture. After giving it some thought, I realized that just as we have different circles of friends, we also have different circles of people supporting us on this journey. The difference is that instead of separate circles that occasionally intersect, like with our circles of friends, these circles reside within larger ones, like a target – and I get to choose who belongs in each one.

Here’s what that looks like for us. I have a lot of friends on Facebook who care about the big events in our lives but who don’t need, or even want, a lot of information. For those who do, I created Brylee’s page. I said in advance that I’d be sharing the good, bad, and ugly. So, I don’t worry about oversharing about the latest surgical procedure because they chose to be a part of that group. Those people are Brylee’s cheerleaders and many of them are also her prayer warriors. I keep them up to date, but they don’t need every detail. Our family, on the other hand, does. They are truly Brylee’s people. They form the inner circle. They get as much information as they want (it does differ from one family member to another) and they deserve the space to process that information in whatever way is right for them.

I’ve decided that it’s ok, and even necessary, to have one more, very small circle that is just for me. I think of it as the bullseye of the target analogy. Within this, are a select few who, although they care about Brylee, are just enough removed that I can be completely transparent about my own feelings without having to filter based on theirs.

None of this is exactly profound, but it has been helpful. People don’t always belong in the circle that one would assume. Just because you spend a lot of time together, doesn’t mean that they are inner circle people. When these people ask how you’re doing, it’s an indication that they care, not that they can handle the unfiltered answer. On the flip side, sometimes it’s the friend that you rarely see that makes the best bullseye friend. They get you and will respond in a way that leaves you feeling heard and validated. Save those “feelings answers” for them.

If you’re going through something challenging right now, create your circles. Choose who belongs in your inner circle, hearing the details. From there, choose a couple with whom you share how you feel about those details. The bullseye is for the elite and YOU get to choose who gets in.